Vicious Cycles
Not being able to get a job [and not necessarily a paid one] without experience; not being able to get experience without a job.
Depression [colloquial, not clinical] and self-hatred because life's going nowhere; life going nowhere because you're depressed and self-hating.
Wasting time because you can't seem to get anywhere; chances of getting anywhere diminishing because you've wasted time.
Half the battle may be in getting effective support; it's unfortunate that my closest advisor is several years younger than me and can't be expected to know what to suggest; I really do believe that it's in the graduate, not the undergraduate, world that being from a so-called 'non-conventional' background for higher education really becomes a problem. Because not only are you out on your own like all graduates, there isn't really a map. Some people have suggested that medical advice might be as helpful as career advice in breaking some of the cycles, but I know very well I don't meet DSM-IV-TR criteria for anything so it seems unlikely.
But is it better to address the fact that I feel lost and hopeless when things aren't working out, or just to ignore the undercurrents and try to make things work out on the surface?
---
What makes me feel particularly low is the feeling that my past experience - or more accurately, my lack thereof - is going to prevent me from getting anywhere in the future, and isn't something I'm able to change or compensate for. I happen to think I've done pretty well at (almost) everything I've ever attempted, but I can't think of any evidence I can present to show that I'm creative, innovative, good at working in a team, good at communicating, have demonstrated leadership ability, have held positions of responsibility... (all this despite having spent years as so-called Leader of a bunch of orchestras) ... so inevitably, I don't even get as far as completing the application for a lot of positions that, personally, I'm sure I'd be perfectly capable of doing. Then, my lack of confidence and reasonable spending habits meant I didn't rush to work for money in my vacations - plus I really didn't realise just how crucial it was. I mean, I don't think I even heard of an 'internship' until sometime in the second year, and even then it was just a weird way that a few money-grabbing economists spent their summer...
And then there are other, stupid trivial things, that hold me back. I don't consider it my fault that I never had to give a Powerpoint presentation, or use MS Access. Maybe I should take a course...
As someone said to me yesterday, "you're not a failure - that would've been if you'd dropped out before your GCSEs and become a heroin addict". But first, stupid as this sounds, I'm sure that had I done so I'd've had social workers and well-meaning charity types practically clamouring to help me reintegrate into society. In contrast there just doesn't seem to be much support for the rehabilitation of formerly-successful former students [/tongue vaguely near cheek]. And secondly, I don't consider my degree to be much of a triumph, firstly because I think people will/do say "Well, what's the point of a degree in Maths/Chemistry/Physics/Evolutionary Biology/Animal Behaviour/Zoology/History/Philosophy/Psychology?" [and I suppose I can't blame them; I happen to think it was a superb general education if one wanted to be a polymath or hereditary peer, but I can't see where it leads in the real world], and secondly because I think it would have been far harder not to get a degree than it was just to follow the standard path from infant school to graduation.
And maybe it's true that I can't expect to convince anyone else that I'm so great if in fact I hate myself. But if I can't stop hating myself - chances aren't good - then it follows that I'm not going anywhere. Still, less than 11 months til my next building society interest is due. Just have to economise a bit. :|
Depression [colloquial, not clinical] and self-hatred because life's going nowhere; life going nowhere because you're depressed and self-hating.
Wasting time because you can't seem to get anywhere; chances of getting anywhere diminishing because you've wasted time.
Half the battle may be in getting effective support; it's unfortunate that my closest advisor is several years younger than me and can't be expected to know what to suggest; I really do believe that it's in the graduate, not the undergraduate, world that being from a so-called 'non-conventional' background for higher education really becomes a problem. Because not only are you out on your own like all graduates, there isn't really a map. Some people have suggested that medical advice might be as helpful as career advice in breaking some of the cycles, but I know very well I don't meet DSM-IV-TR criteria for anything so it seems unlikely.
But is it better to address the fact that I feel lost and hopeless when things aren't working out, or just to ignore the undercurrents and try to make things work out on the surface?
---
What makes me feel particularly low is the feeling that my past experience - or more accurately, my lack thereof - is going to prevent me from getting anywhere in the future, and isn't something I'm able to change or compensate for. I happen to think I've done pretty well at (almost) everything I've ever attempted, but I can't think of any evidence I can present to show that I'm creative, innovative, good at working in a team, good at communicating, have demonstrated leadership ability, have held positions of responsibility... (all this despite having spent years as so-called Leader of a bunch of orchestras) ... so inevitably, I don't even get as far as completing the application for a lot of positions that, personally, I'm sure I'd be perfectly capable of doing. Then, my lack of confidence and reasonable spending habits meant I didn't rush to work for money in my vacations - plus I really didn't realise just how crucial it was. I mean, I don't think I even heard of an 'internship' until sometime in the second year, and even then it was just a weird way that a few money-grabbing economists spent their summer...
And then there are other, stupid trivial things, that hold me back. I don't consider it my fault that I never had to give a Powerpoint presentation, or use MS Access. Maybe I should take a course...
As someone said to me yesterday, "you're not a failure - that would've been if you'd dropped out before your GCSEs and become a heroin addict". But first, stupid as this sounds, I'm sure that had I done so I'd've had social workers and well-meaning charity types practically clamouring to help me reintegrate into society. In contrast there just doesn't seem to be much support for the rehabilitation of formerly-successful former students [/tongue vaguely near cheek]. And secondly, I don't consider my degree to be much of a triumph, firstly because I think people will/do say "Well, what's the point of a degree in Maths/Chemistry/Physics/Evolutionary Biology/Animal Behaviour/Zoology/History/Philosophy/Psychology?" [and I suppose I can't blame them; I happen to think it was a superb general education if one wanted to be a polymath or hereditary peer, but I can't see where it leads in the real world], and secondly because I think it would have been far harder not to get a degree than it was just to follow the standard path from infant school to graduation.
And maybe it's true that I can't expect to convince anyone else that I'm so great if in fact I hate myself. But if I can't stop hating myself - chances aren't good - then it follows that I'm not going anywhere. Still, less than 11 months til my next building society interest is due. Just have to economise a bit. :|
posted by Z31 at 11:42 am
10 Comments:
I scared the shit out of myself last night by dreaming that I had a baby. There weren't any cutesy-warm-fatherly feelings involved, just shear terror at being responsible for my own child.
And no, I didn't dream that I literally produced the baby from my non-childbearing body. Although I don't remember any woman being around to help out with the child. Maybe she was at work, earning large amounts of disposable income to help smooth the way.
Fatherhood? No thanks. Just consider that one less thing to worry about.
Ah, anonymous, it's yourself, hello there.
So you don't subscribe to 'dreams as wish fulfilment' then? I've had some pretty weird dreams myself of course, but not quite that frightening. You seem very confident that I don't have to worry about fatherhood...
I think some words from the Divine Comedy - by which I mean the band, not Dante - are in order:
"All human life is here, from the feeble old dear, to the screaming child. From the student who knows that to have one of those would be suicide, to the family man man-handling the pram with paternal pride". Don't suppose there's anything to be learnt from that, it is a silly song after all. Except perhaps that things change.
i can recommend getting a job where i work. it's not the most fulfilling career ever but they'll employ any old idiot (look at me! - not that i'm implying you're an idiot) and they don't care if you do any work or not (look at me). see there are careers out there...
... Of course the usefulness of that comment is tempered rather by the fact that you're anonymous ...
This isn't the first time I've read this, but when I came back to me this morning, it suddenly struck me that your title is almost certainly the title of a forthcoming ITV show about thugs who run people over, and, worse, don't even wear helmets.
TCH
Groovy. I'd watch it.
I'm glad we've gotten down to the real nub of the issue! Are you sure it's ITV though? Actually it'd be (vaguely) interesting to consider the different iterations of Vicious Cycles suitable for, say, BBC1, HTV, C4, C5, BBC4, Sky Travel, Men & Motors, MTV...
...ACTV...
African & Caribbean Television?
Something like that.
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