I'm getting heartily sick...
... of being told (obliquely...) that I've made and am making nothing of my life. To the extent that they mean by this that I'm a hopeless waste of space, it's an opinion I've held myself, on and off, for as long as I can remember. To the extent that they expect me to be happily established with A Life barely a month after graduation, I think they ask too much, particularly of someone so indecisive and so lacking in confidence as myself. But why shouldn't I take some time to organise myself? Some people spend years travelling the world, fgs, the like of which, incidentally, I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to myself, if I had the nerve to go it alone or the gregarious nature not to have to. It's not as if I relish being stuck here. The fact that I predicted it months ago (cf. blog) doesn't make being abandoned, drifting in a sea of nothingness with no haven in sight, any better.
Of course I suspect I already know the direction my life must take, which is something I've discussed with some of you before now. But who knows, perhaps there is an alternative. To find it, and to actually pursue it, won't be easy and won't be quick, and it's just me and the internet, but it's just possible I'll get somewhere in the end. To prove I'm taking some action at least, I have a large sheet of pink paper with arrows and bullet points on it, which I drew up today when not shredding supermarket-related memories or drinking tea.
The true severity of my situation is something I think I'm trying to avoid thinking about, because when I do I become convinced there's no answer. Without elders, mentors, or even many friends who know about Life After Graduation, I get the panicky feeling that I don't know where to begin. Several years ago, might be the answer, but I was so busy producing mediocre work and making bumbling attempts at social interaction that the future was always represented merely as a dark horizon that could be ignored and might never come.
Now, ostrich-fashion, I shall return to su doku and Bill Bailey and hope for an answer from the aether.
I'm a bad person.
I suppose a lot of the point is, am I going to let my chronic lack of confidence (and construction of barriers in my own way) prevent me from going anywhere from here. I rather suspect the answer is yes...
Of course I suspect I already know the direction my life must take, which is something I've discussed with some of you before now. But who knows, perhaps there is an alternative. To find it, and to actually pursue it, won't be easy and won't be quick, and it's just me and the internet, but it's just possible I'll get somewhere in the end. To prove I'm taking some action at least, I have a large sheet of pink paper with arrows and bullet points on it, which I drew up today when not shredding supermarket-related memories or drinking tea.
The true severity of my situation is something I think I'm trying to avoid thinking about, because when I do I become convinced there's no answer. Without elders, mentors, or even many friends who know about Life After Graduation, I get the panicky feeling that I don't know where to begin. Several years ago, might be the answer, but I was so busy producing mediocre work and making bumbling attempts at social interaction that the future was always represented merely as a dark horizon that could be ignored and might never come.
Now, ostrich-fashion, I shall return to su doku and Bill Bailey and hope for an answer from the aether.
I'm a bad person.
I suppose a lot of the point is, am I going to let my chronic lack of confidence (and construction of barriers in my own way) prevent me from going anywhere from here. I rather suspect the answer is yes...
posted by Z31 at 11:05 pm
6 Comments:
Have you thought about writing? Or possibly journalism? Your blog's always well-written and interesting to read.
Don't get too worried about finding NOW what you really want to do with your life. You could always do what I'm doing and find something that lets you take a bit of a breather which will allow you to think more clearly about the future.
And you're not a waste of space, stupid ;)
What are you doing, then? I suppose 'finding' anything seems pretty unlikely. It's a question of knowing where to begin looking, I suppose. Perhaps setting the careers service website as my homepage will help...
I'm working in a boarding school for a year. Not that I'm suggesting that as such, but just a stop-gap job
Ah, yes of course. Have you started yet? That kind of thing - one-year contracts or whatever - certainly sounds like a good idea in the short term, but not sure how even to go about finding something like that. My room's now covered in accumulated 'belongings' again so I might have to tidy up before making investigations 8-)
Going up on the 30th August - really looking forward to it :) I would heartily recommend a one year contract thing. I share your loathing of big business, but need time to sort out what direction might suit me, or be possible. Knowing that you've got something fixed for a year - just a temporary thing - clears the mind. You can let go of all the immediate worries, and start thinking a little more broadly.
Oh, and I've just been poked by a random natsci 1st year - Steffen Sahl, who I'm pretty sure I don't know...
It's a worrying trend, this random poking... he may remember you from CCMS stuff, he was in Christ's Voices.
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